my granny.

i can't even express how much i miss granny. shedding tears everytime i thought of her. 
i want her to know i care. but she can't hear a single sound even if i whisper. 
i saw her last month and it was awful. she has to be independent? 
no, that's not how it should be. the absence of tender is necessity to her ailment. 
i wished there was alot to speak to her. but my silence and hers said it all. 
a drum beats the sound of her banter.  a silent cry as she lets her droplets fall. 
it hurts, it hurts. i don't want to think about the past. 
but the past is so cruel. i wonder how long can this last.  
i was too small to judge but it was unbearable.
i've a memory that didn't last. but i had the pain that's really brutal. 
i longed the bless and the love of a small child. 
but i don't think i'll get it even till now. 
never mind those idiots thinking they were right,
i'll stand up even if they tip us down.  

hope.

I'm afraid. really afraid of relationships. i think this series of stories and episodes i'm hearing from my friends, colleagues, even happening to my dearest.. urgh. it just makes me scared. i think the word in relationship is trust. i don't know why or what is wrong. i am having a hard time to.... i don't know. trust. this word just kill me. help me.

urghh~~ feelings, emotions, expressions, actions. all these little things. if i think too hard i get confused! so i keep telling myself to stop it.  don't overthink. lol. don't assume. ahh..never assume.

i..... recently have just witnessed my bestfriend got cheated by her boyfriend. we're all school mates. i know the boyfriend.  i know his character.  haiz... getting cheated numerous times by him, i really wonder what's going on in his mind. daddy have always thought me to play fair. my previous post was unfair. i wasn't really in the mood to be fair. haha. daddy said never to assume. if the guys is constantly cheating on the girlfriend thinkin she's a fool, then he is the one with problem. the most problem. then you look at the next page. why do you think he is cheating? on the girl's side, she could be overprotective. constantly sms-ing and if he doesn't reply, a constant calling. and when he switches the phone off, a constant worrying.. making lines in the forehead. annoying thoughts all over the head. there are always answers to everything.

i don't know that as a friend to both of them, should i really confront the guy.  but i was asked to keep my ass out of this. well at least i did my part to my girl friend.  i gotta call someone now.  waiting is not nice. hahah.

watchout.

MET HUDAAAA and Massie. went to eat at i-forgot-the-name-of-the cafe. haha. its at kampong glam a few steps off arab street. and then had dessert at Tutti Frutti. i don't want go there unless i got money. haaa. freaking expensive for just frozen yoghurt! for experience, okay go. next time, SHARE! 


tomorrow is labrador day. insyaallah... i think i want take many many pictures and upload. sleeepy right now. 

cheater cheetah.

my bestfriend's boyfriend cheated on her again. asshole. 

hahaha. i can't believe that word comes from my mouth. i speak only the good words so if something like "asshole" comes out its something extremely annoying and friggin' gets me on me nerves~ 

this guy, he's sucha toy. he is the toy that toys people's feelings. he is a freaking problem man. hahaha. i met masmas at causeway point earlier today and had dinner with her at pasta mania.  i was so afraid to tell her. actually i was debating myself whether or not i should tell her. should i let it go and keep on advising her to move on and just forget him? or should i tell her now, at this very moment, let her cry her heart out and done with it. 

yeah i took option 2. id helped me well. he was so nice and helpful. but then.. i realised its pretty hard to tell mas.  i couldn't muster courage, truthfully speaking. seriously. it was so hard to tell her. anyways, i did. told her slowly...and yeah. but the best part was i cried too! haha. i'm supposed to be there and be the support for mas but then i don't know why the blardy hell i cried. hahah. too emotional uh. cannot tahan.  as a bestie, i just.. feel for her. you know. yeah if you know. 

its not once, twice but thrice that she broke up with him. and i've told her so many many times that come the third time it is the same excuse.  we can't deny but its such a trend.  this guy is getting older and bolder.  and gong gong and ding dong. she got to move on ahead than him already.  that's the only things to be fair to herself.  i told her never to depend on him or even expect his calls because it is merely just lies.  he's gonna treat her like rubbish knowing that she is always there for him.  but seriously, after i advised my bestie masmas, i really hope she would look in the positive side and 'X' him away from her life. 

haiz... this is what i'm afraid.  have never been in relationships but still... i'll just pray that i will be kept away from such situations. insyaallah. 

oh. it's a minute to 1.30am and i am so hungry. 

hungry. oh. 

does matter.

i'm
s ta g ge re d
in thoughts of mind
in such uncertain shapes
of music


i'm
baffled
at the neatly packed
of books hosting 
the night's show


every sentence in its own means
clouding view
springing thoughts
every now and then
coming down to the end


almost missed the beats
and the drum 
settings in the change
i'm adapting
a tune so fine and melodious
that's where i coming through.